A tale of two cities

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon. Anthony, Josiah and Keyana have walked to the neighbours to see his collection of snake skins and I've remained behind in the unusual quiet to ponder our first months back in Zambia. In some ways it feels like I've run the gauntlet of emotions and that tells me that I'm indeed going through culture shock even though I've already experienced much of this before. As I sit here wondering how to express what I've been feeling, the words to "A Tale of Two Cities" come to mind. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

The best of times have been characterized by the sense of coming home in some ways, in the renewing of friendships and in re-connecting with former Choma Secondary students and seeing them still walking with God and being able to witness His work in their lives! The best of times have come in the form of the amazing beauty of Zambia, the greenness of new life, the torrential rains that soak the ground and make a way for people to survive, the vast expanse of sky filled to overflowing with gigantic and consuming clouds and glorious orange and red laden sunsets. The best of times materialize in the warmth of the sun on our faces as we walk to the market or on the trails around our home, the discovery of new bugs and insects we've never seen before and a turtle in it's den. The best of times are seen on the faces of my children as they explore and discover, as they collect items for their cardboard treasure box on the back step of our home, as they make new friends and come into their own and become who God has created them to be. In their prayers they pray thanking God for bringing them to Zambia, for the friends they are making and for their new experiences. The best of times materialize in the person of my husband who is working hard to come along side and mentor Zambian teachers, who has found the Headmasters to be excited for and accepting of his help and who is asking God to work through him this year to accomplish what he's been called to do even though it seems humanly impossible. The best of times have been those moments of being able to lift my voice in song with the BIC praise team at church and being welcomed and accepted into their group. The moments of kindness and generosity we've received through the gifts of fruit, vegetables and meals have been added to the best of times, along with being able to return and be a part of the monthly missionary fellowship in Choma that we started in 2002. More best of times have been found in the joy of re-connecting with the boys who were in the Reading Room and seeing Christopher and Forsta in their school uniforms at Choma Secondary School, being able to hug them and hear that they are working hard in school, have recently been given important titles and responsibilities in the student body and that they still want to be a pastor/doctor and mechanic! Seeing them come from the streets of Choma and being able to witness where they are today is a tremendous blessing! The best of times have been spent in chasing our children around the school playground, witnessing Josiah's school concerts, spending evenings playing games around the table and having family movie nights with popcorn!

The worst of times have materialized in many different forms like moving into a new but unfinished house and having a regular mess left behind by the workers which had to be cleaned and made it hard to settle in. Or not being able to unpack suitcases until mid October because there were no closet rods or cupboards. The worst of times have come in missing home, loved ones and all things familiar. Then regular power outages, internet interruptions and mopping up water from our leaking spinner washer or from the rain that came in under the door and reached all the way to the kitchen sink are added as worsts. They've also come in the challenge of trying to find where we fit and if we even do, wondering where and when and how God will use us here, feeling lonely and far removed from the hub of Macha which has made making friends and connections somewhat difficult. The worst of times have reared their heads in the stress of cross-cultural living, marital miss communication and the everyday frustrations of living in a third world country. Others have come in the form of wondering what on earth I am doing on the other side of the world, cleaning our home, doing laundry and raising kids, all things I could be doing back home in the 'safety' of my nice house, constant running water and assured power. Being a wife and mother like I was back home doesn't feel so 'missionary' like here on the other side of the world. Shouldn't I be out and about, busy in the community around me sharing God's love and compassion, being His hands and feet? The worst of times come in my struggle to believe and accept that what I am doing, being a wife and mother, is the most important thing I can be doing at this stage of life! It is the highest calling, worth more than any career or missionary work I could be involved in! And yet I struggle to grasp the depth of it's importance, to realize it's the call God has placed on my life for this moment and to embrace it with passion! The worst of times come forth when I struggle with the thankless tasks of cleaning a home, doing laundry and cooking meals. I fail to work at everything I do as working unto God. The worst of times present themselves when I am finding my security and significance in what I do or what I'd like to do and am not able to for a variety of reasons, than in Christ alone. And lately the worst of times show up in the words I speak, the bad attitude I have, the complaining I do and my failure to give thanks in all things.

Understanding and doing the will of God is hard. Fern Willner, missionary to Africa writes in her book, “When Faith Is Enough,”

“It often takes as much determination to stay in the will of God as it does to choose it.” This has resonated with me these past few months. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where we are meant to be but that doesn't make it easy. Fern goes on to say,

“It is only when we live in the Spirit, hear by the Spirit, and walk in the Spirit, that we begin to do the will of God. Hearing mixed with faith produces a walk of obedience.” Walking in the Spirit needs to be mixed with patient endurance as we follow God and carry out His will for our lives.

Hebrews 10:36 says, “Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”

Fern says, “so the promises of blessing don't just follow the act of obedience! According to this Hebrews account, there is generally a period of testing between the time we act in obedience and the time we receive the promise. During this interval, patience is imperative. And it is often this test of patience that determines whether or not our acts of obedience will apprehend the promised blessings.” I so desire God's blessings in my life and upon our family but am I patiently enduring in the difficult times? It's easy to be patient when everything is running smoothly, it's another to be when they are not. In order to patiently endure, I need to die to self on a continual basis. But that too is hard. Fern says, “Obedience today may be disobedience tomorrow. At no point in my Christian experience could I become wise enough to live without daily dying [to self].” It's good to know I'm not alone in the struggle. Fern goes on to write, “God can use whatever means He wants to, to get our attention and to direct our steps, if we really want Him to...God does not want us to become bitter when we experience trouble. The difficulties we experience may be divine roadblocks to help us change direction....When we walk with God, the adverse circumstances of our lives are never an indication of failure. Sin, breaking the commandments of God, is always evil, but pain, suffering, financial reversal, or loss, may only be a means used by God of turning one's direction onto a more productive path. Each step will unfold with His divine provision in His divine timing. The provision of God is not dependent on our resources, and the ways of God are not subject to our approval. Our security lies in trusting. And no matter where we are, our faith can stand sure when it is based on the promises of God and not on our own understanding.”

My problem these past few months is that I've been leaning on my own understanding and my own strength. I've been focused on the worst of times instead of the best of times. Emotionally I've been like the unstable man described in James 1:6. Fern says, “if we would be unwavering, our eyes must be focused on the goal not the past, and on the promises, not the circumstances.” And therein lies the crux of my problem. I've been zeroed in on my circumstances instead of on the One who calms the waves. As I walk this gauntlet of emotions through the best and worst of times, my focus needs to change. Instead of looking down at life's difficulties I need to look up to where my help comes from, The Maker of Heaven and earth. Fern says, “when we turn to Him with all of our heart, we will find the real pathway to blessing.” That's the path I want to walk. The time has come. It's time for me to turn.