by Karlene Thiessen
(written after my weekend at Mending The Soul Training in Portland Oregon - September 21st -24th, 2012)
I think I discovered this weekend why I don’t like living in a city. It’s not just the congested traffic, the smog or the continual busyness. It’s because…..it breaks my heart.
Today, I met Gary. He got on the subway a stop or two after I did and sat across the isle from me. I smiled at him and he held out his hand which displayed a few coins. He followed his action with the words, “I was going to buy a ticket but the train pulled up at that moment and I didn’t want to miss it.”
I noticed the suitcase bag on wheels that he had pulled in behind him and without thinking asked, “are you headed to the airport?” He looked at me a bit strangely and then said, “No….but I wish I was. I’d like to get on a plane and get out of here. 12 years is to long to visit a place.”
And before his next words were spoken, I wondered……..and I was right.
“I’m homeless,” he said. I realized that there had been some tell tale signs like the mismatching clothes, the worn shoes and the pieces of dried grass still clinging to his jacket.
My smile was enough welcome for him to launch into his sad story.
“I had an apartment but I left ‘cause I got a job offer. See, I’m a personal care attendant and this person offered me a job to take care of him. I was suppose to move into his house. But when I got there, he had changed his mind. So I went back to my landlord but because I had told him I had a job offer that would require me to leave, he thought I was gone for good and wouldn’t give me back my apartment. So, now I’m homeless.”
My heart broke for this man. I felt like I should say something, but I found myself at a loss for words. Nothing I could say would help. My words wouldn’t miraculously remove him from the streets of Portland. But oh, how I wished they would. Feeling like I had nothing to give, I gave him eye contact and a smile. If felt so insignificant.
However, it must have been invitation enough because he continued by saying, “I don’t do homeless very good.” He pointed to his face and arms, “see this soft tissue damage? That’s ‘cause someone came and ground my face into the sidewalk when I was sleeping. They stole my phone too. I’ve been going a couple days, trying to keep awake so it doesn’t happen again but last night I actually slept. I have a blanket from the shelter and I put it on a piece of cardboard. That’s my bed. And I stick my head in my bag.” “To stay warm” I asked? He nodded. “Ya, it gets really cold at night.”
I sat there feeling helpless to help. Sure I tried to be a warm and empathetic listener, but it didn’t seem like enough. I wanted to do so much more.
For me, my stop came all too soon and as I got up to leave, I noticed the look of disappointment etched across his face. “You’re getting off already” he asked? “Yes” I replied. I reached my hand towards him. It was holding my ticket and 2 granola bars. “Would you like my all day pass?” His eyes lit up, “Sure! That would be great. Thanks.” He held out his hand and said, “I’m Gary.” I shook his hand firmly, the way my Dad always taught me to shake hands, and said, “Take care Gary.”
We smiled at each other and I stepped off the train. The doors closed behind me and as the train sped away I caught one last sight of Gary. He smiled and waved and I did too.
Tears slid down my cheeks as I walked the hill back to my hotel. I felt guilty for holding bags in my hands from my morning of early Christmas shopping. It wasn’t right that I was getting to go home with gifts for my family while Gary would get to sleep on the cold, hard ground again...and again...and again.
As I sat alone with God in my hotel room later that morning, praying and reading His Word, I asked Him to reveal to me what He wanted to impress upon me. After some time of being silent in His presence the Holy Spirit settled these words upon my heart.
“Do not be distracted by the cares of this world and love people like Gary.”
As the tears fell, I committed myself to this task, desiring to walk daily in obedience and the power of the Holy Spirit, knowing that the only way I can serve God is to be totally reliant on Him.
I’ll be praying for Gary but I wish I could have done more. An all day pass and 2 granola bars just doesn’t seem like enough.
That’s because it wasn’t.
My prayer is that I can do more for the people God has called us to serve in Mexico, then I was able to do for Gary. I feel so inadequate, so unworthy and so unprepared to go and yet my heart’s cry is to be used of God. To be broken and molded by His loving potter hands, into a vessel He can fill and pour out in blessing to others.
An all day pass and 2 granola bars will help for a day but the love of Christ will change hearts and lives for eternity!
So Lord...
make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
O Lord,
To give more than an all day pass and 2 granola bars…
This is my Prayer.
Amen
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