Stumble

It’s 5:14am. I haven’t been able to sleep since 3:50am and there’s no other way to describe what I’m feeling but to say, PANIC! SHEER PANIC! After tossing and turning for over an hour, I’m at the computer trying to put words to what I’m feeling in hopes that unloading will help relieve some of the tension building within me. 

Surrounded by a mess of piles and boxes, an ever decreasing timeline, the demands of every day life and a lengthy to-do list...suffice it to say that I’m more than overwhelmed! I’m feeling like I’m drowning and all the unknowns aren’t helping.

What has happened to the confidence and security I felt just weeks ago, that we are on the right track, going where God has called us to go, walking a path of faith? The winds of worry and fear have blown in and they are gone, vanished into thin air leaving me sitting here feeling jittery, tense and like I’m going to throw up. I’ll be brutally honest and tell you that right now, I’m not feeling the peace that passes all understanding.

Why is doing the will of God so hard? Or better put, why is finding the will of God so hard? I recently heard that just because the way is hard does not mean it is not God’s will and just because the way is easy, doesn’t mean it is God’s will. But the opposite could be true as well. If the way is hard, maybe it isn’t God’s will and if the way is easy maybe it is God’s will. So can anyone tell me what it is? 

My tossing and turning woke up my hubby who opened the pages of Scripture and read from Psalm 37. It’s chalk full of “trust in the Lord”, “do good”,  “delight in the Lord”, “be still in the presence of the Lord”, “wait patiently for Him to act”, “don’t worry”…it all sounds good on paper but how do you do that in real life? How do you live like this in a fallen world, as a sinful human who gets tripped up by the cares and worries of the world, the pressures of demands, deadlines and decisions? 

How do you trust when you don’t know what tomorrow holds? How do you do good when you don’t know what you’re suppose to do? How do you delight in the Lord when your heart feels heavy and burdened? How do you be still in the presence of the Lord when your mind is racing with all that you have to get done in a short period of time? How do you wait patiently for Him to act when deadlines demand that decisions have to be made? How do you not worry when you see the up-rooting of your family, reeking havoc on those you love?

I’m putting myself out there by being so honest with where I’m at. But I’m being real. I don’t have this all figured out. I’m not some super Christian who has it all together. I’m not ‘missionary’ quality. I’m just a girl who longs for safety and security and who wishes I could put down roots in my nice community and live out my days in my nice house, surrounded by my nice family and my nice friends. I never asked to be called. I just asked to be used...maybe that’s the problem.

I wish I could end on a good note. An amazing inspiration of encouragement that I’ve gleaned as I’ve rambled. But it’s just not in me. Instead, I ask for your prayers. I desperately need them.

The phrase, “Travel steadily along His path” stood out to me as Anthony read from Psalm 37. So I guess that’s what I’ll do. I’ll keep trudging along the path He’s laid out before us. I just wish I knew it was the right one.

Disclaimer: As I reflect on what I've just written, I'll be honest and say I'm afraid of posting this and yet I'm hoping that if I struggle with things like this....well maybe others do too and hopefully this could serve as an encouragement to them. I don't understand how I can go from being so confident that God called us to Mexico to where I'm at this morning - so unsure. All it takes is for someone you love, immensely and deeply, to experience difficulties and to struggle with your decision to go on missions, for you to second guess everything you were so sure of at one time. If I use human wisdom, I would say we are doing the wrong thing by going to Mexico. If I use Biblical wisdom then "with God all things are possible.” So are human wisdom and Biblical wisdom made to coincide? Are you suppose to take all of one but not the other? 

I feel immense pressure to make the right decision for the sake of those God has entrusted to my care, so much so that I’m questioning again, if we are doing the right thing in going to Mexico. I fear that people are going to wonder “what is wrong with those Thiessens? Can’t they make up their minds about what they want to do? One time it’s “go” the next time it’s “stay. Seriously, what’s their problem?” I guess I fear this because I’m thinking the same things. What is my problem? Why is this trust thing and knowing God’s will so hard? Why is confidence there one day and gone the next? Is it normal to experience such ups and downs like this? Are the difficulties we’re presently experiencing part of the process of stretching us and building character and trust or are they God’s way of saying that He wants us to change course?

“The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will not fail, for the Lord holds them by the hand.” Psalm 37:23-24

My hearts desire is to obey and follow. I think what I’m feeling right now is a stumble. I’m glad to know He’s still holding my hand.