Christmas Holidays

We have had a good time visiting South Africa at MCC retreat and back in Zambia during Christmas break. Since schools are closed, I have had a chance to think, read and refocus. It has been helpful to think things through, realizing I have 7 months left in my term with MCC. The time is going quickly, and amidst school breaks, it goes even more quickly.

Some of the fun things that we did while in South Africa were hiking in the Drakkensberg Mountains. We only did one day of hiking, but we divided and conquered. Dad and Josiah went one way, Keyana and I went another, Karlene took up the trail with her camera attached to keep her company, and Mom stayed with the vehicle. Keyana and Josiah were amazing, hiking for over 2 and a half hours. I did carry Keyana for maybe 200m, but otherwise she was leading the way. We kept wanting to go around one more corner to see what the view would be like - they were all great - so we ended up going a long ways. The mountains were spectacular, but quite different than the Rockies we were more used to. Not as high, rocky or cold. It was surprising how much grew way up high. We saw some snow spilling over the edge of the tops of the mountains in small patches. Josiah said it wasn't snow, it was nshima, the porridge served for breakfast.

Keyana spottend a dog on the other side, which turned out to be one of 40 baboons feeding in the trees that surrounded the path we had to walk through. Keyana and Karlene were not so eager to go through, but we made it, finding the baboons mostly ignored us. Karlene even got brave enough to take pics of some that were 2 or 3 meters from the trail in the trees. We could almost reach out and touch them if we wanted to.

My BA

It's a great misnomer that missionaries have it all together. It's so far from the truth that it's almost funny. But, it's not. The truth is that missionaries are just like everyone else. We are human, we struggle, we fall, we fail, we complain, we sin. We are not super spiritual, we don't have a special 'in' with God that enables us to do what we do. We are normal, every day human beings who are trying, to the best of our abilities, to work out our faith according to the call God has placed upon our lives. And maybe that's my problem. Instead of relying on God's strength and power, instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to fill me and work in and through me, I have been living trying to do it all myself, living to the best of my 'own' ability. Such existing only leads to failure, emotional fatigue, negativity and eventually burnout. As I reflect on these past 3 months in Zambia I am ashamed of how I have lived. I have a serious sin habit when I encounter stressful or difficult situations. Instead of letting the “joy of the Lord” be my strength, I give in to the temptation to worry, to stress, to fear, to complain, to gripe and to grumble. All of this results in my emotional demise and the development of a BA. Now many of you will wonder, what's wrong with a BA? They represent the hard work of an individual, their academic prowess and their accomplishment in securing a well deserved piece of paper, knowledge, status and those fancy letters at the end of their name. Well, this is an entirely different kind of BA that represents the failure of taking one's thought's captive for Christ and the prowess of the enemy instead of the diligence of the believer. It displays the lack of knowledge one has about God's faithfulness and power and the Holy Spirits indwelling. It does not lend itself to establishing status and instead of admiration, these letters at the end of one's name cause others to desire to be anywhere but in your presence. The type of BA of which I speak is none other than a Bad Attitude. This BA has a way of worming itself into your heart and destroying the joy and selfless and serving love it finds there. This destruction happens over a period of time, is not sudden, but is progressive and if not stopped can leave the heart calloused and cold, filled with selfishness, bitterness, anger and resentment. “Whatever is in your heart determines what you say”(Luke 6:45) and therefore, out of the overflow of such a heart, the mouth speaks things which sadden God. Instead of encouragement, words of condemnation are spoken. Instead of joy words of negativity. Instead of love, words of harshness. Instead of thanksgiving, words of complaint. Instead of praise and adoration, silence reigns. When this BA is alive and well, the person is not. Their emotions are given free reign and the temptation to worry, fear, gripe and complain is rewarded. The “joy of the Lord” is not their strength. With this BA, there is no joy. Contentment cannot be found and blessing after blessing is missed because the BA stands in the way.

So what is the antidote for this BA? I think it has many important and vital facets but I believe it can be summed up in one word. “Brokenness.” Now there's a word that the majority of us do not like to hear. To quote from Charles Stanley, “Brokenness hurts, and most of us would rather live without any seasons of pain. Yet during such times, the Lord often does His greatest work in our lives, reshaping and realigning us for His divine purposes. Jesus beautifully explains the principle of brokenness in John 12:24-25, where He compares our life to a single grain of wheat.”

“The truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. Unless it dies it will be alone – a single seed. But its death will produce many new kernels – a plentiful harvest of new lives.”

Charles Stanley goes on to say, “ If we hold a kernel in our hands, nothing will happen. If we carefully place it in a jar or on a shelf for safekeeping, it will just sit there indefinitely. In its safety, the grain will essentially be useless. However, if that kernel is placed in the soil where it's protective layer is stripped away, something amazing happens. Before long, a little sprout will emerge from the earth and start to grow into something different, useful and beautiful.”

These past 3 months I have felt like a kernel of wheat. I so wanted to hold my life and the life of my children in my own hands, place them in a jar and put it on the shelf for safekeeping. But my desire to be in God's will and be useful, outweighed my desire to be 'safe'. And so we followed His call to return to Zambia and nothing before has been so confirmed in my mind as it was before we left Canada that this is where God wants us to be.

Now God has taken these kernels of wheat and planted us in the auburn soil of Macha. Our protective layers have been stripped away and we've entered a season of change, adjustment, difficulty, challenges and yes, even pain. But I'm still waiting for something amazing to happen to my kernel. I see a sprout emerging when I look at my son Josiah and my daughter Keyana as they adjust to life in Zambia, as they make friends, as they laugh and play and explore, as they learn the Tonga greetings and excitedly try to use them as they pass people on the path to the local market. I see the sprouts poking through the soil of their hearts when they pray, thanking God for bringing them to Zambia and asking Him to make them more like Jesus. I see a sprout emerging from Anthony's kernel as he applies himself to a difficult and daunting task. Sometimes what he has been called to do seems impossible. And it is for him alone. But I see Him going forward in the strength and wisdom of the Lord, knowing that if anything is going to be improved or accomplished in these 11 months its going to be God working in and through him and nothing of himself. But then I look at my kernel still lying in the dark and damp soil of the reddish earth, with no sprout and no sign of growth. It has all the needed essentials, the water is there from the recent torrent of rains, the ground is full of life-giving nutrients, the protective layer has been stripped away as all familiar and comfortable is gone, the sun is bright and the days are hot and yet the seed still lies dormant in the ground. Why? I have realized that it's because my BA stands in the way of it's growth. My BA is keeping me from embracing this season of change and challenge. My BA is causing me to miss out on daily blessings. My BA has squashed my joy. It has denied me entrance into all God has planned, causing me to loose out on His divine purpose and from experiencing His work, His reshaping and His realigning in my life. My BA is keeping me from Brokenness, the very thing that if I would choose to embrace, would put to death my BA.

We are all saddened and frustrated when something breaks. It then becomes something to fix or to throw away. Brokenness usually involves some sort of force or wear and tear, both of which can cause pressure and pain. When something breaks, it usually happens at a point of weakness. So when we think of being broken ourselves, it makes us uncomfortable, worried and wanting to turn and run. None of us like to be seen as weak, none of us like to endure pain, none of us like to be thrown away. But brokenness from God doesn't see us thrown away, it meets us at our point of weakness and through the pain of being broken we are refined. Unfortunately, as in my case, we often do not understand God's purpose of brokenness and instead of welcoming it with open arms, trusting in the God who loves us with an unfailing love, who knit us together in our mothers wombs, who knows us intimately more than anyone else, who is good and faithful all the time, we meet brokenness head on blocking it with our BA's.

Charles Stanley goes on to say, “Probably the greatest obstacle to understanding God's purpose for brokenness is this: Most believers think of Christianity as something we do. We pray. We read the Bible. We go to church. We sing hymns. We give money. [We go on missions.] We do and do – and assume that's the Christian life. It's not. Authentic Christianity is about becoming rather than doing. The life of faith that God designed involves receiving Jesus into our hearts and allowing Him to change our habits, mindset, beliefs, interests, concerns (and BA's) so we become more and more like Him. This realization will change our perspective on the heartache we must endure. You see, when we recognize that the Christian life is about Jesus' persistent work of “re-creation” in us, then the role of brokenness will make more sense. It's the process the Lord uses to strip us of things that have become – or may one day become- an obstacle to our spiritual growth (like BA's). He also uses this tool to address issues we may have declared “off limits” to Him, such as unhealthy behaviours (there's those BA's again) or relationships we rationalize. God doesn't want to be Lord of most of your life; He wants to be Lord of all of your life! So He zeros in on areas of self-will and self-sufficiency to remove everything within us that relies on “self.” He uses brokenness to remove those inclinations so that we can live moment by moment, day by day, in full dependence on Him...Are you feeling broken today? If so, remember the principle of the broken grain. God has certainly not abandoned you; instead, He may be leading you into a season of radical new growth...Open up your heart, and ask God to reveal any selfish strongholds (like BA's) [and] let Him break unhealthy behaviour patterns.” (end of quote)

As I reflect on the BA I have acquired, and as I look at the ones I've had in the past, they all seem to come during times of trial and difficulty, seasons of stress and pain. And I wonder how much farther along I would be in my spiritual journey if I could recognize the season of pain and brokenness for what it really is. It's not something to complain about, instead it is something to embrace, not in a sadistic kind of way, but because I know the God whom I have believed and am persuaded that He knows me intimately more than anyone else and He is who He says He is. He is faithful, He has a plan for my life, not one of harm but of hope. He is good, he never leaves me, He knows what is best for me and He desires to help me become more like His Son with each passing day. A season of pain and brokenness is an opportunity to grow and to become more like Christ. But the outcome is determined by how I approach the season.

In the end it comes down to a choice. I look at my kernel of wheat and realize that I can choose to lie dormant in the red soil of Macha. I can choose to let my emotions reign, I can refuse to take my thoughts captive for Christ and wallow in self pity. I can choose to complain and gripe. Or I can choose to sprout, beginning in the garden of my own family and maybe at some point branching out into the gardens around me. I can choose to let go and let God be God in my life and embrace the season, accepting it for what it is: an opportunity to become more like Christ. To quote again from Charles Stanley, “Before long, a little sprout will emerge from the earth and start to grow into something different, useful and beautiful. Moreover, that new stalk will produce more grains that can be planted, and the stalks they produce will do the same. It's an amazing cycle of life, wherein a single kernel can lead to countless stalks of wheat. But it has to start with the brokenness of one grain.”

When we encounter a season of pain, difficulty or trial the question to ask ourselves is, “What letters do I want displayed at the end of my name?” The sinful BA or God's BA? The choice is ours. No one else can make it for us. I've decided to embrace brokenness and choose God's BA – Beautifully Altered.

Some words to ponder:

“Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.” James 1:2-4

“When God gives us promises, they are never really ours until we walk them out. The problem is, the promises given on the sunlit mountaintop...may not gleam as brightly in the valley of obedience when enshrouded by clouds of opposition [or darkness]. However, the end result of victory is not dependent upon the circumstances surrounding it. It is dependent on the truth of the Word of faith. Though circumstances seemingly change for the worse, the Word remains the same. Truth cannot lie....God knows exactly how much pressure and heat we need to make us scratch resistant. If our scratches are on display, or if we are clouded by sin, unbelief, self-centeredness and fear – we can expect more heat before we become genuine...When God is finished turning up the heat in the darkness of our trials, scratches won't mar the reflection. Cuts and blows will only serve to create a more beautiful jewel, a many-faceted jewel that reflects the wisdom and precision of the Master Craftsman...As we follow God by faith through the unknown paths of divine guidance, may patience protect us from aborting His plan when darkness hides the victory from view. Every great man or woman of God has learned that God is the God of the darkness as well as the light....Something wonderful happens when we decide we will not complain, we will not quit, we will not die. Something changes inside us when we decide to sing aloud, to praise with faith, to trust and not be afraid...because He is our God. For when we praise with faith, it lifts our hearts into the realms of divine truth...Therefore, be strong and of good courage. Arise! Go with God.” - Fern Willner

A tale of two cities

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon. Anthony, Josiah and Keyana have walked to the neighbours to see his collection of snake skins and I've remained behind in the unusual quiet to ponder our first months back in Zambia. In some ways it feels like I've run the gauntlet of emotions and that tells me that I'm indeed going through culture shock even though I've already experienced much of this before. As I sit here wondering how to express what I've been feeling, the words to "A Tale of Two Cities" come to mind. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

The best of times have been characterized by the sense of coming home in some ways, in the renewing of friendships and in re-connecting with former Choma Secondary students and seeing them still walking with God and being able to witness His work in their lives! The best of times have come in the form of the amazing beauty of Zambia, the greenness of new life, the torrential rains that soak the ground and make a way for people to survive, the vast expanse of sky filled to overflowing with gigantic and consuming clouds and glorious orange and red laden sunsets. The best of times materialize in the warmth of the sun on our faces as we walk to the market or on the trails around our home, the discovery of new bugs and insects we've never seen before and a turtle in it's den. The best of times are seen on the faces of my children as they explore and discover, as they collect items for their cardboard treasure box on the back step of our home, as they make new friends and come into their own and become who God has created them to be. In their prayers they pray thanking God for bringing them to Zambia, for the friends they are making and for their new experiences. The best of times materialize in the person of my husband who is working hard to come along side and mentor Zambian teachers, who has found the Headmasters to be excited for and accepting of his help and who is asking God to work through him this year to accomplish what he's been called to do even though it seems humanly impossible. The best of times have been those moments of being able to lift my voice in song with the BIC praise team at church and being welcomed and accepted into their group. The moments of kindness and generosity we've received through the gifts of fruit, vegetables and meals have been added to the best of times, along with being able to return and be a part of the monthly missionary fellowship in Choma that we started in 2002. More best of times have been found in the joy of re-connecting with the boys who were in the Reading Room and seeing Christopher and Forsta in their school uniforms at Choma Secondary School, being able to hug them and hear that they are working hard in school, have recently been given important titles and responsibilities in the student body and that they still want to be a pastor/doctor and mechanic! Seeing them come from the streets of Choma and being able to witness where they are today is a tremendous blessing! The best of times have been spent in chasing our children around the school playground, witnessing Josiah's school concerts, spending evenings playing games around the table and having family movie nights with popcorn!

The worst of times have materialized in many different forms like moving into a new but unfinished house and having a regular mess left behind by the workers which had to be cleaned and made it hard to settle in. Or not being able to unpack suitcases until mid October because there were no closet rods or cupboards. The worst of times have come in missing home, loved ones and all things familiar. Then regular power outages, internet interruptions and mopping up water from our leaking spinner washer or from the rain that came in under the door and reached all the way to the kitchen sink are added as worsts. They've also come in the challenge of trying to find where we fit and if we even do, wondering where and when and how God will use us here, feeling lonely and far removed from the hub of Macha which has made making friends and connections somewhat difficult. The worst of times have reared their heads in the stress of cross-cultural living, marital miss communication and the everyday frustrations of living in a third world country. Others have come in the form of wondering what on earth I am doing on the other side of the world, cleaning our home, doing laundry and raising kids, all things I could be doing back home in the 'safety' of my nice house, constant running water and assured power. Being a wife and mother like I was back home doesn't feel so 'missionary' like here on the other side of the world. Shouldn't I be out and about, busy in the community around me sharing God's love and compassion, being His hands and feet? The worst of times come in my struggle to believe and accept that what I am doing, being a wife and mother, is the most important thing I can be doing at this stage of life! It is the highest calling, worth more than any career or missionary work I could be involved in! And yet I struggle to grasp the depth of it's importance, to realize it's the call God has placed on my life for this moment and to embrace it with passion! The worst of times come forth when I struggle with the thankless tasks of cleaning a home, doing laundry and cooking meals. I fail to work at everything I do as working unto God. The worst of times present themselves when I am finding my security and significance in what I do or what I'd like to do and am not able to for a variety of reasons, than in Christ alone. And lately the worst of times show up in the words I speak, the bad attitude I have, the complaining I do and my failure to give thanks in all things.

Understanding and doing the will of God is hard. Fern Willner, missionary to Africa writes in her book, “When Faith Is Enough,”

“It often takes as much determination to stay in the will of God as it does to choose it.” This has resonated with me these past few months. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where we are meant to be but that doesn't make it easy. Fern goes on to say,

“It is only when we live in the Spirit, hear by the Spirit, and walk in the Spirit, that we begin to do the will of God. Hearing mixed with faith produces a walk of obedience.” Walking in the Spirit needs to be mixed with patient endurance as we follow God and carry out His will for our lives.

Hebrews 10:36 says, “Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”

Fern says, “so the promises of blessing don't just follow the act of obedience! According to this Hebrews account, there is generally a period of testing between the time we act in obedience and the time we receive the promise. During this interval, patience is imperative. And it is often this test of patience that determines whether or not our acts of obedience will apprehend the promised blessings.” I so desire God's blessings in my life and upon our family but am I patiently enduring in the difficult times? It's easy to be patient when everything is running smoothly, it's another to be when they are not. In order to patiently endure, I need to die to self on a continual basis. But that too is hard. Fern says, “Obedience today may be disobedience tomorrow. At no point in my Christian experience could I become wise enough to live without daily dying [to self].” It's good to know I'm not alone in the struggle. Fern goes on to write, “God can use whatever means He wants to, to get our attention and to direct our steps, if we really want Him to...God does not want us to become bitter when we experience trouble. The difficulties we experience may be divine roadblocks to help us change direction....When we walk with God, the adverse circumstances of our lives are never an indication of failure. Sin, breaking the commandments of God, is always evil, but pain, suffering, financial reversal, or loss, may only be a means used by God of turning one's direction onto a more productive path. Each step will unfold with His divine provision in His divine timing. The provision of God is not dependent on our resources, and the ways of God are not subject to our approval. Our security lies in trusting. And no matter where we are, our faith can stand sure when it is based on the promises of God and not on our own understanding.”

My problem these past few months is that I've been leaning on my own understanding and my own strength. I've been focused on the worst of times instead of the best of times. Emotionally I've been like the unstable man described in James 1:6. Fern says, “if we would be unwavering, our eyes must be focused on the goal not the past, and on the promises, not the circumstances.” And therein lies the crux of my problem. I've been zeroed in on my circumstances instead of on the One who calms the waves. As I walk this gauntlet of emotions through the best and worst of times, my focus needs to change. Instead of looking down at life's difficulties I need to look up to where my help comes from, The Maker of Heaven and earth. Fern says, “when we turn to Him with all of our heart, we will find the real pathway to blessing.” That's the path I want to walk. The time has come. It's time for me to turn.